statement 2

The work, "Examination of Conscience," was conceived in the fall of 2009. After moving to Portland, Oregon I came across a few old diaries I had kept in high school. Upon reading these once important moments, I began to consider them in the spectrum of my life. While they were long past and forgotten, reading through my intimate thoughts, made me quite uncomfortable. My first instinct was to instantly start a fire and burn them, my second, to read them in front of a camera. These feelings that were only ever shared with a pen and paper, needed to be verbally spoken and shared. Sitting in my empty living room on my golden yellow chair, I began performing for an unknown audience. Deeply inspired by story telling and the act of confessing in church, I saw these performances as a way to reconstruct my past. Having never mastered a functional relationship, I wondered if the consolation I was looking for might be found in these forgotten diaries.

statement

in any relationship, you have to give something of yourself to the other person. this is scary. pardon my stuttering, crying, anxiousness. i have never done this before. and when i look into your eyes, i know you are judging me. wondering the same things about me that i am wondering about you. but the key is trust. i can trust you, if you can trust me.

october 3rd, 2009. approx: 5:45 p.m.

video i am trying out.

august 13th, 2009. thursday. approx: 12:30 pm

i just got into london yesterday after spending an absolutely amazing week in france. it is such a wonderful place. and the people were really nice. everyone wanted to help us out and give us suggestions on things to do. and we met some rather interesting and entertaining people while we were there as well. overall it was probably the best week i have had all summer.

august 2nd, 2009. sunday. approx: 3:15 pm.

i am in barcelona. waiting for shannon. i cannot wait for her to get here. hopefully that will be sooner rather than later. but, when i am abroad i seem to have a heightened sense of patience. it's strange. no where else does this happen. so i thought i would fill everyone in on the happenings of the last two days. granted, very little has happened, but i really want to be good about keeping track of what i have seen and done. so here it is.

_august 1st. i went to the forma, the international center for fotography (realize that should be with a "ph"), it took me over an hour to get there between subways and trying to find it, happens that it is in the middle of fucking nowhere, milan. but the show was really nice. a collection of photos from japanese artists. one of them represented japan in the venice biennale in 2005. my favorite piece, although i felt affected by quite a few, was a series by this artist, hiroshi sugimoto. there were only 3 pictures, but they were of these cinemas, completely empty, and just the white screen staring at you. they were black and white and the whiteness of the blank screen drew you into the photos so much, i think my nose almost touched one. i wanted to be immersed in it. i wanted the pure whiteness to surround me. it was beautiful. i also felt affected by this one photo by shomei tomatsu, it was just a picture of a watch, the face cracked, the time stopped at 11:02. it was found .7 km away from the center of the atom bomb explosion in hiroshima. i don't think i need to saw anymore about it. it was quite intense. then on my way back to the subway after the forma, i saw the strangest thing ever, there was this small side street and a grey mini van was stopped. it had a sun roof. out of the sun roof stood a DJ, and out of each of the doors of the mini van, there were what seemed like modern dancers, doing strange things, like putting their legs over their heads...etc. i don't even know how to describe it appropriately.

then when i got back to my hotel, i got my luggage and took a subway to the train station, an hour bus to the airport. i waited at the airport for 5 hours, got to spain, took an hour bus to barcelona, then had to find a taxi to my hostel. this taxi, was driven by the oldest taxi driver i have ever seen. he had to be at least 65. and he had to ask one of the other taxi drivers how to get to my hostel. and when he stopped the taxi (mind you he was driving manual) he pumped the breaks at least 3 or 4 times. it was fantastic. he also drove like a grandpa, so slow. it was insane, but i got there, checked in and went directly to bed, eventhough it was saturday night and everyone was out partying until all hours of the night. i am lame. and a grandma. what can i say.

_august 2nd. i got up for breakfast this morning, and there were three boys in my room. i mean, i assumed they were boys, but i had not seen them until this morning. i went to breakfast, which consisted of warm cereal, and bread, but was more than i had eaten in twenty four hours. then i went back up to my room and took a nap. by the time i woke up, the boys and their stuff were gone and i had the room to myself. i dressed myself properly and decided to go looking for someplace so that i could call shannon. at first, i could not find it, but i did come across a charming park and i climbed on some playground equipment by myself. then i walked some more and found some locals playing soccer on pavement. it made me surprisingly homesick, for my dad and brother. i took a video of the guys playing soccer, because i thought my brother might think it was cool. then i walked around some more and explored a part of town that was barely populated. it is also sunday, so i am sure it was just that people don't do much on sundays. i came across some graffiti that i took pictures of. my favorite was on this wall, that seemed pretty newly built, someone had spray painted, in black grita cuando te quieres. cry when you want to. i found it appropriate after having felt homesick earlier and wanting to cry. i walked around for another hour and then got a doner kebab for lunch. now i am wasting some time so that by four o'clock, i can try and call shannon, beacause that is when the telephone place opens.

august 2nd, 2009. sunday. approx: 9:55 am

i am in barcelona.

july 31st, 2009. friday. approx: 11:35 pm.

it's weird how time changes when you are traveling. one day turns into three. and i almost always feel tired. that being said. it is absolutely fantastic. i left siena on tuesday and it feels like i have been gone a month. i am so happy to be traveling and seeing new things. after siena, i went to bologna, a place i had never been before and it was so charming. it is the home of the oldest university in the world and it's just this completely flat town. which i love because it means that i get to see old people riding bicycles. my fav.

after we spent one day in bologna (which by the way, i bought the most fantastic pair of red ankle high boots, side note), we parted ways with that wonderful city and went to milan. now, i am not a terrible fan of milan. i visited last time i was in italy and did not get a terribly wonderful impression of the place. and i have to say, after being here for 3 days, i still don't have that great of an opinion on it. however, that being said, some really funny things have happened while i have been here:

_ on the first night, the 29th. it was la notte bianca. now i don't know exactly what this holiday is, but the main street by our hotel was closed, people in the street, the shops open way late. it was pretty cool. while we were walking around, we got to dance to some loud music in the street (part. the lalala song by bob sinclair and the sugarhill gang), we saw street performers who were american indians (i have a video of this), when we tried to buy wine the man and woman at the store asked if we were all above the age of 16 (because they can't sell alcohol to those younger than....first time i have ever been anything near carded in italy).

_on the second day, the 30th. i went to an internet cafe slash telephone place to call my mom for her birthday. sat in a glass box of heat for over an hour during which the man who worked there gave me (a towel, to wipe off the profuse sweat, a piece of mail to fan myself, from the profuse sweating, and then he opened the door to the box and put a fan right in front of me....great. i must have looked a mess), then when i was done, the same man talked to me for over a half an hour abour (how he used to be a boxer in egypt, but his coach wasn't very smart, so he always had to fight guys who were much larger than him, thus his scar above the left eye and his broken teeth in the back of his mouth, so his mom said enough and he moved to italy, then we talked about obama and bush and how when americans elect a president we don't just elect one for the US, but for the whole world. because our selection effects the entire world....he went on and on) and this was all in italian.

_on the third day, the 31st. i went back to the internet cafe today and talked to that man again. he remembered my name, elissabetta. italians can't really understand the name liz. i get lisa alot. i printed out my boarding pass for my flight tomorrow and when i was leaving, he showed me a video of an arabic belly dancer on youtube and asked me if i liked this kind of dancing. i told him that i did and that when i was in los angeles once, my family went to dinner at a place that had belly dancing. he seemed to find this interesting. then when i left, he asked me if i would be back again tomorrow, but i told him i was leaving for barcelona. he got kinda sad and gave me a hug and kissed me on both cheeks. sorta funny. i think i must have entertained him. then i walked around for a while and tried to get lost. i like trying to lose myself in towns and then find my way again. but more often than not, my sense of direction means i can never get too lost. after walking, i went to a chinese restaurant and got take out (wonton soup, chicken curry and white rice). i went back to my room and ate all of it.

and that, so far is an update on my travels. milan wasn't too exciting, but i think overall i really enjoyed the experiences i had. espeically with the guy at the internet cafe. it was nice that someone actually wanted to try and speak to me in italian. ohhhh. and on the 30th, i went and bought some sneaks, cuz my feet were killing me from the flats, and the lady at the shop told me i spoke very good italian. and we talked for a bit about her not knowing any english except for hello, thank you, what size...and some hand motions for walking around. which i told her was fine for her job. and she agreed. but i was very encouraged that she told me my italian was good. because the day before the man at the subway station, whom i was asking directions from told me my italian sucked, and made fun of me. some people are just assholes. no matter where you go.

july 22nd, 2009. wednesday morning. approx: 9:45 am.

i think my roommate is a robot. this morning, as i woke up to go take a bath, i heard the weirdest sounds coming from the bathroom...there they are again! actually. it sounds something like a drill hitting the side of the porcelain bathtub, in a manner that simultaneously vibrates while making a high pitched drilling noise (like the kind you hear when you have to go to the dentist). i suppose it could be some type of electric shaver? or reasonably enough, it could be a dildo. but if it was, it sounds like it might be the most painful dildo in all existence. so i have ruled that option out. they have, actually been going on for quite some time. and while i know there is most likely a legitimate reason for this, my ultimate conclusion is that my roommate is a robot. and is having to perform some sort of surgery on herself.

update: the noises are actually coming from somewhere above me. but this doesn't mean the robot couldn't be my bitchy upstairs italian roommate. these things are still a possibility. i'll keep you updated on what i find.

july 5th, 2009. approx: 1:00 pm. the torrential rains have begun.

a part of me really wishes that i had brought the inferno by dante alighieri with me. i read it last time i was in italy and i think it would have been nice to have now. siena has been experiencing torrential rains for the past 3 weeks. mostly unexpectedly and with tons of lightning and thunder. this is not typical weather for siena at this time of the year.

i just had quite the catastrophe. i could hear the rain really well somewhere in the apartment. but i couldn't figure out where for a couple of minutes. by then, when i located the sound in the dining room, where one window was open. there was already about an inch and a half of standing water under the dining room table. i rushed to the window and closed it immediately. but the damage had been done. the water was under the table....isn't that some colloquial phrase for something? i ended up taking the pot i boiled my pasta in for lunch and the sponge from the kitchen and soaking up most of the water. it's still pretty damp under the table. and the pot was half way full when i was done. my extra bathroom towel is completely soaked and it's still raining. half way through being done with cleaning up the water though, i heard shouting outside. almost like screaming. as if some major disaster had just occurred, like an earthquake. i have to say those voices were by far more disturbing than the rain or the sound of the thunder. i mean, i know that the italians are not used to the rain, but gees. you would have thought from those voices that there was a flood and bodies were floating down the quaint, narrow streets. this is far from the truth.

and i had so wanted to go to the pharmacy to buy some aloe vera for my sun burns from the beach yesterday. maybe the torrent will cease and i can rush over there. my burns would highly appreciate it.

the weather is a charming thing. it can make you feel so small and powerless. i can't imagine living somewhere that get tornados or hurricanes or huge amounts of snow every year. obviously people deal with it. but at the same time, i don't know if i could. i'm sorta a wimp.

july 1st, 2009. approx: 10:20 am.

i also really enjoyed this video. unfortunately i only caught the last part of this. something tells me the whole thing was probably brilliant. but i suppose that's just a gut instinct sorta thing.

june 29th, 2009. approx: 9:00 pm.

so the italian television lends itself to amusement so much more than american tv. maybe it's the terrible dubbing, maybe it's the complete randomness between each channel. it's really hard to say. but i adore it.